responsibilities

i'm highly irresponsible.

i ditch class, i lie to work and tell them i can't come in because i don't feel good, i let my dogs lapse on their flea medicine in the wintertime, i skip out on church with my mom.

and i'm still the most responsible person i know.
i'm 24 with a stock portfolio and a roth IRA, a stable/well-paying job that could easily be a career if i chose it to be, headed for grad school, in a relationship, love my parents, drive reasonably and limit my vices.
i always have been responsible, too. for years i had to convince my parents i didn't drink, smoke or do drugs and now it's a struggle to get them to believe that i actually have gotten wasted. my one irresponsible action (in their eyes) was having sex at age 16- which i did with a person i had been dating for 6 months, with protection and while on birth control. i had my first job when i was 16 (jamba juice) and since then i have not lapsed in employment for more than 2 months. i started enrolling in college courses when i was 16 while still in high school, and at age 24 i am 13 units shy of a BS in microbiology, 18 shy of a BA in economics and 12 units shy of a BA in history. i have my minor in criminal justice. i'm still qualified to operate any and all rail equipment/engines. i have 20 hours of flight school under my belt.

sometimes, i really really hate it.
i don't feel like i wasted my youth. i did my share of stupid stuff, i have street smarts and book smarts, i've gotten to travel, i've gotten to tell the world to "fuck off" and taken vacations when i shouldn't have. but sometimes i wonder what it would have been like, or what life would be like if i wasn't motivated and wasn't responsible.
i would probably still be at sac city, convinced that an AA/AS will be my leg up in life or still living under the delusional fantasy that a BA/BS means something. maybe i would be the manager of jamba juice- at the very least, assistant. i wouldn't have to worry about staying out all night because both my classes and employment would require very limited cognitive skills to succeed at. i would live paycheck to paycheck, maybe save a hundred bucks here and there and would blow my tax return in one day. i would settle for the manager- at the very least, assistant manager- of starbucks and together we would have a happy life with our two bedroom apartment (hah! we can afford two bedrooms instead of one, take that!!!). after our wedding at city hall maybe we would convert the second bedroom into a kid's room for our 3 children. it's fine, we can fit bunk beds and a futon in there, right?
... i would have no responsibilities.

OH WAIT. I LIKE HAVING MONEY. I LIKE FINANCIAL SECURITY, I LIKE THE PROSPECT OF BEING ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF NOT ONLY MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER BUT ALSO POSSIBLE CHILDREN DOWN THE ROAD. I WORK HARD SO THAT MY PARENTS WILL BE ABLE TO LIVE COMFORTABLY IN THEIR LATER YEARS. sorry for the caps.

one of my exes called me materialistic because i am so driven by money. and that may be wrong to you. your ideals, your philosophy, your view on money might be different than mine. and maybe it should be. is this mega-capitalistic system i live in the right one? maybe not. is too much emphasis placed on material goods? maybe so. do we live a life of excess compared to the rest of the world? yes.
but unlike those communist hippies who just bitch about the value of a dollar v. the value of life, i've come to accept the fact that i live in a society where $ = power, ability and autonomy. and yes, i want to maximize my marketability (and hence earning potential) by going for my PhD instead of settling for a Bachelor's. it's why i work, hard. i don't want to spend the next 6 years of my life in school, broke, but i'm going to because that's the sacrifice you make. i'm not clever enough to come up with a get-rich-quick scheme, i'm not smart enough to understand the ins and outs of embezzlement or money laundering, i have no cool inventions or even ideas for inventions, and my bi-monthly letters to bill gates begging him for money have done me no good. it's why i don't quit a job when the going gets tough and say "fuck it" (then spend the next 6 months bitching about the economy and how no one is hiring even though i only casually browse craigslist for 10 minutes every week).

i'm doing it for my kids, ie my two dogs whom i insist on feeding high-quality food, maintaining a strict heartworm prevention program, whom i take to the vet for yearly check ups and vaccinations and quarterly teeth brushing/nail clipping/ear cleaning/grooming. incidentals, like endless chew toys and treats, add up.
i'm doing it for my parents because they put a lot of money into me growing up. they raised me so that i never wanted anything but was never spoiled. they worked and lived according to the dollar, and thanks to their financial smarts they retired 10 years earlier than the average american, paid off their house in only 18 years, maintain family agricultural property valued in the millions, pay off their credit cards each month and who live within their means. that description alone makes them seem like they are upper class, but they're not. they live in a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house in a middle class neighborhood. most importantly, they are totally content with their lives and assets.
i'm doing it so that i can take care of jeff. as a couple, i don't want us to ever have to worry about money. will it take us a few years of living a lifestyle we might not be stoked on? probably. will we have to postpone month long overseas trips, buy generic instead of brand name, utilize "buy one get one free" offers? yeah. but i'm okay with that. once we're both done with school then we can focus on all the things that we had to push aside because of money. i want to be able to put him through school, i want to be able to have him look for a job without worrying if we'll be able to pay rent. it's not that he'll ever need that buffer. it's never about needs, it's about having that safety net.
picking up extra shifts instead of going out and partying is worth it.
i don't blame anyone for being shocked when i come to a party, who joke with me about how i need to let loose. i do. but i'd rather be overworked in my youth and have stability in my semi-young-adult life than to have instability in my youth and instability in the future. a lot of people couldn't imagine or want to live like i do- a life that revolves around school, work and a minimal amount of sleep. but i could never imagine or want to live a life that revolves around a minimal amount of school, work and sleep and a maximal amount of fucking off. no thanks, i'll keep being non-profit-working college-going conformist.

just don't ask me for money in 10 years.