this is the truth

i bummed my boyfriend out today.
i was joking about how he would play a show, find another girl and leave me. i joke like that a lot, but this time it came out of my mouth like a well orchestrated plan with diagrams and steps and shit. every other time he shakes his finger at me and tells me to shut up, but this time there was no finger wagging, just bummage.
i reassured him i was kidding, that i'm a pretty okay girlfriend, that i get shit right 95% of the time. but with the frequency i joke about it, am i really actually joking?

i always say i never let past relationships influence present ones. and for the most part i really believe i don't. by all means i should be living in a cave or be a lesbian, but caves are hard for the pizza delivery guy to find and girls are batshit crazy.
i had to sit there for a second to realize that past relationships do carry over.
i'll be the first to admit that i'm insecure and that i don't believe in something that's too good to be true. something that's too easy. something that makes me too happy. (the exceptions are chocolate chip cookies and mountain dew code red). i don't believe in coincidences, i don't believe in god, i don't believe in asking questions that you don't already know the answers to. i do believe, however, that i'm pretty fucking scared.
it's not for me to spill the details of past relationships. all i can say is that there's been some way shitty ones. some of it i deserved, a lot of it i didn't. i have some of the world's best exes. mike is my go-to guy for a place to sleep when i'm in southern california, the guy i can always count on to ask me to do shrooms. matt is a good dude, backed hard. he broke the cycle of dumping me for an ex, his little brother is ADORABLE and he's got his head on his shoulders. in all honesty, i couldn't ask for better exes.
then there are the shitty ones. we all have them, i'm no exception. i don't quite hate them, but i'm not so sure i would give them the time of day if they asked.
the shitty ones are the ones that give me problems. rather, they don't give me problems, i give myself problems. this is in no way an attempt to blame anyone, not even myself. life is a set of conditions, circumstances and situations, nothing more. how you choose to cognitively interpret your conditions, circumstances and situations defines your behavior (and therefore who you are).
apparently, who i am is a scared little girl who's been handed something amazing and is expecting the worst. it's hard to admit and i didn't figure it out until, like, 3 hours ago.

there are a lot of reasons why i won't go into counseling with my psych degree. one reason is that i don't feel comfortable being paid hundreds of dollars an hour to pretend like i'm someone's best friend. one reason is that i'm a bitch and don't really care about a complete strangers' problems. but the main reason is that i think going to counseling is a shortcut to becoming a better person, a shortcut that could be avoided if you took some time to yourself and admitted everything that you were scared to admit. (NOTE: this is not about people who have severe psychological disturbances of any kind. this is a personal thing. counseling does SO many people SO much good. it exists for a reason and should never be discounted as a viable option for enhancing your life).
i should preface this by saying: it sucks. it sucks to admit to yourself that you suck at certain things. it's not comfortable, there are no quick fixes, it's not easy, it doesn't make you feel good, there's no sense of pride or personal accomplishment that comes along with it, not until much later.
BUT.
it's necessary. and it's part of being a strong person. to be able to identify your faults and weaknesses, that's where it's at. i'm pretty narcissistic, so i think i'm awesome. but i can admit that i'm only awesome part-time. i want to be awesome full-time with benefits, vacation pay and stock options. unfortunately, like social security, the chances of me cashing in on that are slim and nil.
i'm insecure about being happy. i enjoy it to the fullest, but in the back of my mind i'm always suspicious. whether i'm experiencing true happiness because of this negativity or not is a whole different philosophical debate, and i don't care for philosophy.
i don't ask for help when i need it.
i alternate jealousy with not giving a fuck so that no guy can ever figure out what the fuck my opinions on women are.
i expect to be cheated on or left for an ex.
and wow, this sucks. and this means i need to work on shit, fast. because it doesn't only make me feel like shit, it makes my boyfriend feel like shit too.

the bright light at the end of the tunnel is the realization i had a few years ago: your past makes you who you are. every shitty relationship, every good relationship has made me the girlfriend i am. for better or worse, i have my exes to thank. i used to hate when my boyfriends talked to their exes because of past experiences of being dumped for them. one day i had to tell myself "fuck you, you're sucking right now." instead of getting jealous i realized i should probably be thanking their exes for making them the person they are. again, it's fucking hard to do. and it sucks. and it's uncomfortable. but loving someone unconditionally means loving their past, no matter what it may be.

one day i'll be a better girlfriend. i'm sure of it. for right now i can rejoice in the fact that i make a bomb ass lasagna, that i've got an amazing life and that i can give good head.
the great michael jordan once said: " i've missed 9 thousand shots, lost 300 games, took 26 buzzer beaters & missed... but i kept going! that's why i succeeded." while i wish i was getting paid m. jordan's salary to figure myself out, he's right. maybe i'll miss 9 thousand shots, maybe i'll lose 300 games. but i have an awesome family, i have an awesome boyfriend, i have awesome friends, i have an awesome future ahead of me. and that definitely does NOT suck. if success means taking a hit, i'll hit that.